Public Service Announcment: Fuck Chipper Jones by J.Senno of Trash Talk Sports

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The story goes that when Larry ‘Chipper’ Jones was drafted number 1 by the Atlanta Braves in 1990, he had no agent and his father negotiated that first deal. Chipper’s father told him he could get a lot more money, but Chipper seeing the big picture knew he wanted to just play right away and the money would come later. This regaling tale should endear me to Chipper Jones, but instead it just pisses me off because as a Mets fan I think that we could have been saved from the onslaught of Chipper if not for that infernal Todd Van Poppel.  I know at this point as a “fan” I am supposed to have grown past the hatred and learned to appreciate his career, but fuck him, and you know what I’m calling him Larry for the rest of this article.

Van Poppel was supposed to be the #1 pick, but he wanted too much money so the Braves ‘settled’ on Jones. Now, maybe if Van Poppel is in the Braves’ system, much like Justin Timberlake’s character in ‘Trouble with the Curve’, his career takes a different trajectory. But as it stands he was a putrid 40-52 with a 5.58 ERA with an all time WAR of -1.7. He is compared in Baseball Reference to the immortal Pat Mahomes and the insufferable Tanyon Sturze.  Larry Jones on the other hand finished with a .303 Batting Average, 468 Homeruns, and 1600 RBI’s, and an all-time WAR of 82.6. Jones is compared on the same baseball reference to hall of Famers Mel Ott, Mike Schmidt, and Al Kaline.

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Now, Larry Jones had the audacity to name his son Shea. To be honest if a Mets player had named their kid Turner because they dominated the Braves in the 90’s, I would have thought it was awesome, but as we all know this is devastatingly untrue.  So why hate Larry? He didn’t do anything personally to me. Sure he did, he haunted my dreams, and he took joy out of my life during a tough run through puberty when I could have used something to be happy about.

sptsmets_t640From 96-01 he hit over .350 in every season against the Mets racking up 19 Homers and 57 RBI’s in 86 games.  This equates to roughly 28 Homeruns, 84 RBI’s and a .370 Batting Average over the course of 162 games. During that time period he averaged a .313 Batting Average, 34 Homeruns, and 108 RBI’s, so really his performance against the Mets was maybe a bit above par for the course for him, but nothing earth shattering. So why does it feel like he only terrorized the Mets if his career stats against the Phillies are nearly identical.

Year

G GS AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI SB CS BB SO BA OBP SLG

OPS

Mets

245

237

858

168

265

46

4

49

159

20

5

147

134

0.31

0.4

0.543

0.949

Year

G

GS

AB

R

H

2B

3B

HR

RBI

SB

CS

BB

SO

BA

OBP

SLG

OPS

Phillies

245

237

846

166

280

71

3

49

152

6

2

169

141

0.33

0.4

0.596

1.036

Larry could have easily named his kid ‘Veteran’ and it would be equally plausible. I mean, your name is Larry and you don’t go by it so what rules are you playing by anyway.

Its’ like a bully at school, it doesn’t take away from any grief if last season Jimmy gave you 27 wedgies and 16 swirlies, but little Timmy got 25 wedgies and 15 swirlies. The fact remains nobody wants their head shoved in a toilet and nobody wants to be beat consistently even if they are doing it to everyone else. It also hurts so much more because he never goes away, with a bully you would hope he would go to a different junior high or move out of town or eventually you would grow to defend yourself, but it never happened. Year in and year out he is waiting for the poor Mets by their locker ready to embarrass them in front of everyone, and every year the Mets would let him.

Chipper+Jones+Philadelphia+Phillies+v+Atlanta+b3pSA7gLToGl

The problem is that the Mets haven’t gotten any stronger; they are just as susceptible for another bully to come in and destroy their spirit. Ladies and gentleman I bring you Bryce Aron Max Harper. He is destined to pulverize the Mets in a truly comic way. He hit .295 against the Mets with 3 Homeruns and 11 RBI’s so he is prime and ready to take the douchebag baton. Larry Jones was a villain in a pg-13 Varsity Blues sort of a way, he was southern, he was arrogant, but ultimately he was soft spoken and respectful. He would do that, that prick, just so I can’t hate him with all my heart. Harper on the other hand is poised to play foil for the next 20 years for the Mets, he is the Cobra Kai, except the Mets have no Mr. Miagi. He is more athletic, faster, intense and astonishingly more diabolical as he is breaking teammate’s hands on high fives.

The only difference is now I am ready for disappointment this time. I won’t be hurt (I keep telling myself that anyway). I am ‘emotionally unavailable’ as a Mets fan, it’s the only way I can protect myself. The Mets only hope is to get a bully of their own to protect them, something they have not had since Darryl Strawberry and the Mets of the late 80s. Until then, I will accept the swirlies Harper gives me as a fan and thank him for thinking of me. Fuck!

bryce-harper

J.Senno

Trash Talk Sports

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